Roomate again

Something triggers my sight.

Every time I go to eat with my roomate, he always takes a smattering of condements and covers his food.

Like he is a starving man and the only source of nutrition is the mustard, ketchup and hot sauce he covers everything with.

I don't know what this says to you... and I don't really know what it means either. Somehow, it just screams that something is wrong.

Peelers

I was at the strippers last night with some friends.

Celebrating a buddies 28th birthday. Ended up at the strippers. (for once, that was my idea)

Everything was pretty status quo. we were all ninja's at the table. Didn't want to attract much attention, just be out with everyone and feel the croud.

People watch if you would.

We're judging all the women we could see... commenting on what made a girl pretty vs. what makes a girl unattractive.

Looked at this tall skinney thing of a girl. Very serpentine like body with that school girl look that has killed many a men. I was just saying how hot she was as she walked up and took a chair at our table.

"My name is ...." (yeah, well... I'm not good with names) looked me in the eyes...

Involuntarily swallowed. (for those of you who know me... for me to be put off guard or out of place... thats quite the situation)

---

A side story.

I have a friend (who is no doubt going to read this and shake his head) who can't tell the truth to anyone not allready a friend. Its like a condition or something. Everytime we go out shopping or to the bar... he'll make friends with a salesman or waitress. But he's from different places doing different things for work, interested in different topics.

Its really quite the show.

And I understand why its valuable to be able to do something like that.

Another friend I have, he is not capable of telling a convincing lie. I guess thats great... just there are times when you need to alter a fact... like getting information from a salesman or something.

------

Back to the story at hand...

so this stipper starts asking questions. my friends not really knowing what to do, just started agreeing with whatever she asked. Do you come here often? (we don't ever really) uh... yess... yeah... we're here all the time.

I couldn't help it... I was compelled by something outerworldly. After getting through the basic 'how are you' situations, she started to ask where I was from, what I did. I couldn't have told a more fancifull tale.

I'd never understood until that moment how a lie could be so... relieving. That living outside your life can exclude you from a situation enough to regain control. Thanks bro... you tought me something in that moment.

"Would any of you like a VIP show?" (lap dance)

I looked at my friend. It was his birthday... I would have bought him a dance.

She was watching me. I could see what she was thinking through here eyes. My heart stopped, my breath caught.

"no... thank you." "are... you sure?"

... swallow...

*smile* "I'll be fine."

I've heard that mere men can pick up stippers. I've seen it done by those lower than me... I'm sure if I had an extra hundred bucks to drop showing this luscioius being with attention and alcohol, I could take her home.

I watched her walk away... approach another table.

You could see others follow her into a little booth. Walk out with that "holy fuck!" look on their faces... their spine is stiff, they move without much grace or balance as their mind struggles to control the dump of hormones and pheremones.

It takes a professional to do what she did.

One look.

I think god tested what I was made of in that moment.

Something for everyone

For all those ladies out there... there is nothing you can do to a man worse than ignore him.

If you insult him, sleep with his friends, crush him like a bug... thats all fine and good. It says "you matter enough for me to fuck you over."

On the other hand... if you know a guy is hot for you and you walk right past him. Talk with his friends, make pool shots for them...

But ignore the point of attention...

it hurts. not in a 'wow she hurt me' but in a 'I feel worthless' type of way. Something that tests the metal of a man. That says "fight"? or "flight"?

On the other hand... I'm sure this is the same for men too.

For those kind guys who will always offer a smile and a hello... this is the weapon. What we do is seen as a weakness. If you can afford to ignore someone, it means your clearly better than them (and people only want to date their betters.)

Harsh thoughts... but there is truth there somewhere.

online dating revisited

I guess online dating is like looking for real-estate.

You need to find a house that is clearly undervalued and bring it up to its rightfull place.

Something that not alot of people have looked at but clearly has a sence of inner beauty.

*smile*

Sorta a strange way of looking at things. But you need to look beyond the ad, find someone who clearly misrepresents themselves and snatch them up before someone else does.

I don't have the biggest pecs, not the best face... and online, its really hard to represent those as positives.

Somehow saying "I have an awesome personality" say's fat... saying "I know how to make fun of stupid people" just doesn't have the right ring to it.

I'm not looking to date someone fat or ugly... but if you put that in your profile your suddenly chauvenistic.

I hate smokers (and want to hit them with my car) but that makes me mean and vindictive.

I've described exactly what I want... that makes me narrow minded.

I've been lofty and open ended... that makes me uncertain about what I want and not ready for a commitment.

... its easier to get drunk and hit a bar.

hotel visits

I was in the swimming pool of my hotel last night.

Just feeling what I can feel through my body, admiring the water and watching the ripples around me as I move.

Around 10:30, two guys, two girls came into the pool. Making alot of noise, being young and having fun.

It was good to watch. I distanced myself, not really hearing what was being talked about but listening to what was being said.

You ever notice how the youngest male in a group is always interrupted by the oldest? Ignored by everyone else and generally left to fend for himself?

In this instance, the older male was a basketball player. There were two females (one skinney one ... not skinney) and a second male. They were all 18 or so (I would guess) and university or college students.

It was fun to watch. The younger male was an ass (to get attention no doubt) the larger female followed the actions of the skinner female. The 'more dominant' members were never insulted while they insulted those below them.

Like my own edition of national geographic.

---------

Rode back today.

As the storms are moving throughout the area, an amazing form of wind precedes them. Some are very nice and warm, others... very cold. It was neat just to feel them and try to predict weather patterns by the feeling and direction of the wind.

Unfortunately, it was not good motorcycling weather.

I was almost thrown from my bike twice... took a break every 45 minutes or so. Just to work the feeling back into my fingers and stretch my legs.

I think my kevlar jacket needs an upgrade to leather for longer trips.

Kevlar breaths too much... so that my core looses all its heat almost instantly in the wind.

Which is great on a hot day. But a day like today, makes biking potentially dangerous.

The Girlfriend Race

Currently running a race to see who will become a more or less permanent girl for me.

Looking for the usuals - attractive, smart, mature - and some not so usuals - open minded, calm, confident.

I know its a race because I have a few girls I'm currently talking to which show me favor; and it just seems that every time I go out; I catch someone's eyes.

A race.

Because whomever finishes first; well... everyone else is cut pretty quickly from my list. Call me a jerk for those who didn't win; but understand that I'm really not into seeing more than one girl at a time.

Funny thing is; I get shot down alot. Almost every time I go out (anywhere really) I start talking with a girl... get a feeling for her disposition and take it from there. (which usually means that I pretend to know whats going on, ask her out and get shot down. A good game for my friends to observe)

Talking with this girl online. I had a special thing for her. Smart, attractive... this girl definately has a future.

Looking for a permanent relationship, settle down, have kids.

I was like "yeah! this may be just what I want!" got an email today. "I'm just not into this whole online dating, sorry to have wasted your time."

wow. I know honesty for her is important; and I've been in that situation before... having to send one of those out...

It felt like I was kicked in the balls. I'd forgotten what it was like to not be all guarded and get shot down really hard.

-------

Rode to the other office (where I currently am) on monday. (I know... working on a holiday... sacriledge) Leaving town, it was 5 degrees and raining moderately hard.

Let me tell you... that sucked. Imagine being out in the rain with a 120km/hr windchill for an hour and a half. Everything is just dripping wet; nothing really moves right.

Stopped half way (when the rain stopped) to have some supper/lunch. Opening my jacket was done because I've done it every time I get off my bike.

Pure mechanical routine.

Got to the hot tub, just laid there for an hour (until I stopped shaking)

Some times, its nice to be a pampered city boy.

Application of force

STARWARS... thats all anyone can talk about.

And I used to be there. Not waiting all night in line (thats just dumb)... but I've read at least 20 starwars books, I've watched the first 3 (4/5/6) movies more than 20 times each.

I was a little boy, raised on the hype.

But now... well, its just a movie.

My roomate... who you remember from previous posts.

We're talking and he says "when my Lightsaber comes in, I can take it to your class and show your ninja friends."

When someone says something that stupid, I would be doing god a favor by killing him.

First off, we're talking about a $125 USD authentic lightsaber. No plastic parts here.

On the other hand, I have a $125 USD ninja sword. No plastic parts there either.

Only one is capable of dismembering a person.

The other one has no place at a ninja class.

Yeah, I used to work at McDonalds, and one morning before opening the restaurant I had a lightsaber fight with one of my employees. (and almost got fired when my boss found out) Its different when your under 20 and pissing around.

When your 32 and spend hours thinking about how cool you'll be having lightsaber fights with your friends (with your authentic lightsabers none the less) something is wrong in your head.

The force is with him. Or will be if I get woken up by someone chasing his cats around with a lightsaber.

Hello, I'm a narcissist

And my roomate thinks he's a narcissist.

Which is great for him... I guess. To actually find his place.

Unfortunately for me, this jumping back and fourth, this drama (and some other things I don't feel like discussing) doesn't screem narcissist.

It screams 16 year old girl.

Maybe a 17 year old girl.

Flying solo

In the last post, I made a mention to the "wing man". There are alot of enlightened people out there who know of this delightfull concept; I usually have a perspective that blows away the surface and drills to a new low.

We start with my favorite principal.

At the bar, one person can be anyone they want to be. The lowliest nerd can pull off the "most popular" act. One night, alcohol and alot of strangers means that anyone you meet can pretend to be anything they think of.

And we know this; as people; instinctually know that surface value 'first meetings' are not to be trusted. So we don't.

As far as I'm concerned, a man is a collection of his friends values and experiances. (sorta)

Every interest a person has will be represented in the people he calls friends. If I like to play pool, I will try to find other people to play pool with. If I like to paint, I will find the community of painters and call some of them family.

Who you have with you is your resume. If you go to the bar with that creepy guy everyone avoids; you approach a group of girls with him and ask to dance; they look at him, they look at you... and that instant judging takes place.

------

Secondly; its rare for a girl to go to the bar by herself.

She will always have another person like minded with her. Wether its to get sloshed out of their minds or to pickup and get coumfortable with men; the girl always has backup.

Someone to watch the drinks while she goes to the bathroom. Another pair of eyes to follow the purses; someone who may be capable of remembering a cab's number when the bar closes.

As a guy, we try to get in and take one girl out of that duo to the dance floor... take that one girl just a little away from her friend and ask for her number? Its impossible. The "splitup pickup" is one of the hardest maneuvers known to man.

When your dancing with her, you need someone looking after her friend. You need that confidence in your potential date that her friend is enjoying herself, not getting lost/upset/too drunk/going home with the wrong man... or any of the other thousand things that can happen.

You need someone with skill and style similar to yours who can hold the line while you hook that fish.

In comes "the wingman".

------

Finally; when a guy is trying to successfully lure in someone worth their time; dancing alone doesn't cut it.

A guy makes eye contact, smiles but has to play "I'm available... come get me". Whats he going to do?

Look at the ceiling? Watch his objective? Stare at other girls?

NO! He's going to engauge his wingman in conversation. Talk about the music, whats on TV, maybe even go onto the dance floor and enjoy themselves.

Lots of options. Less when your alone.

------

Something to think about.

Positive and Negative

I've had an 'in and out' week. Sick, stayed home thursday, just trying to get my metal magnatized again. (as it were)

Really, I'm not sitting at 100% for my outlook, my feeling. Its the ninja training... I need to balance that brutality with activities in my life (why I filter in and out of vegatarian life styles... or my seclusion from the general populous on specific nights when I just need to relax and become me again.)

Go out with my friend last night. Hit my favorite pool hall for a quick game. End up waiting for a table for a half hour or so. No biggie.

Let me begin about my friend. Girls that I've dated who know the both of us would call us almost opposites. I'm flashy (sometimes) he's reserved. I'm loud, he's quiet. I'm active, he's almost shy. You could almost say that I'm mature, he's working on it. (not in a negative way... just in a simple things way)

The girls last night were all over him. Nothing for me, would ignore me, my drinks (waitresses) special attention for him. Shoulder pats, rubbing his hair (he's got a fine fuzz on the top of his head) winking, suggesting at things... the whole 9 yards.

It was cool. To tell you the truth. I'm not often put back seat. (I think I liked it)

But we discussed after I pointed it out a few times to him. (we've hit the bar together a few times - wingmen; gone out partying a few times... I would say attention flows my way usually. I'm often in my element and people are initially drawn to that.)

He says "I've had a very good week. Dumped my girlfriend, bought a motorcycle. Work is good... everything is just going well; there is alot of positivity about me."

I'm like -- I'm not feeling well, I'm tired, have a headache. There is no sparkle to my eyes.

Perhaps the difference in 'energy' level is changing the flow of female.

*smile* last nights thought.

The Roomate

For those of you who know me... I'm not really big on talking.

I used to be immersed in speach. Constantly speaking about things; whats going on, whats around me etc. Now; I treat speaking like money. I talk some... but everything I say is worth saying. I never (or at least try to never) say something meaningless or frivolous.

This leads to a few things.

First off, there are alot of uncoumfortable (for other people) silences. I'm perfectly fine sitting in a silent environment... but some people appear to have the idea that if something isn't being said; that there is something wrong.

Secondly, when I speak; people want to listen. Because I don't abuse speach, what I say is more valuable. Not because people conciously recognise this; but because I recognise this and my speach vibration is different because of it.

Subconcious stuff; I guess.

I was sick yesterday. Chose to stay home from work. Zenning out infront of my videogames (just an old-school n64 with the orig. zelda) in a magical world of silence.

My body, my sinus cold; the rest of the world is just somewhere else.

4:00 comes around... roomate comes home.

Wow! can that guy talk.

Like... grandpa simpson. There was an episode where grandpa started telling a story, changed into something else and then something else... never quite finishing anything or even making sence...

Thats what my roomate is like.

3 hours he talked. I didn't have a headache. I didn't feel pain. (hell someone could have chopped off my foot; subconciously I could have cut off the blood flow and intercepted the pain before I felt it...)

At the end of our "marathon" my head hurt, my mind hurt, my body hurt. I was contemplating jumping off the balcony and just ending the suffering.

I gave him a Look. Said "Ok". "Ok what?" "Ok... I think I've heard enough of what you have to say. Now you can leave me alone."

If I wanted to talk that much; I would have moved in with a girl or my family. (no insult intended... but there are people who like to talk, and people who don't.)

4 months, 13 hours until I move.

Me and the Martial Arts

Over the past 2 - 3 years (I don't know when it started in that time) my ninja instructor has been pushing me towards an edge. Maybe not physically at all, but emotionally.

True, my physical abilities have more than increased exponentially, my pain tolerance, my reaction time, yadda yadda yadda.

But emotionally, I started a wreak... and am less of one now.

Frankly, I was a victum. I would allow him to trounce me on the mat, just bruise me emotionally. Some classes I would leave feeling like I'm being picked on; abused and just... unhappy. (I don't know why I kept coming back... to tell you the truth)

And now... after a class of the same, where he's pressing my buttons the whole time; I still feel things... but I acknowledge those feelings and wonder where they come from.

"I feel like crying." but why? What has happened over the last 2 hours that would push me to this point? Am I being treated differently than any other class member? Is there anything "Unfair" that I am being exposed to?

(I hate that word "FAIR" its harsh... but the word fair is used by loosers and the weak... only if you have been taken advantage of can you say "thats unfair". and why have you been taken advantage of? because you put yourself in that situation.)

Control.

If there was something someone asked me I gained from ninjutsu, its control. That seething, sesspool of anger that we all have inside us... that pain, that injured place where we have done nothing wrong and the world is conspiring against us...

Control. By going there and seeing what it is... not in the dead of night with my eyes closed... but with a flashlight looking at the walls of the cave and reading the pictures painted there.

And truth be told; I would say 4 out of 5 days I look at what I'm doing to myself with fear and misunderstanding...

But on days like today; I feel me. Not a product of my society. Not a leaf blowing in the wind; becoming what I have to to survive.

I feel me.

Where I can contrast who I am, to who I was... and see who I would have been... my roomate who takes an hour and a half to get a point across when 3-4 words would do quite nicely.

My friends who are slaves to chemicals... blood sweat and tears to get drunk every other night.

I feel ME.

and I feel pretty damn good.

And the morning follows

Quick mentions...

I really hurt from yesterday... but I was so excited about this damn cool move I learned that I had to show someone at the office.

She's come up to me twice now "That move looked so cool! you should show the other guys!"

Pain = Gain. I guess...

Seccond thing; I re-heard a saying I love.

Fear = false education appearing reall

Have a good evening!

vaccuum's are filled automatically

The universe has helped me today... I think.

I felt like pool, but didn't feel like calling someone. My friend calls me (and on mothers day none the less) leaves a message sayin "hey call me after 7, I need some pool tonight".

YEAH!

So we hook it up. At the pool hall is our favorite waitress (the girl who gave me her number in a few posts ago)... I said I wouldn't talk about her, but I'm so backwards right now, I need to put down ideas.

*smile*

I hope she's fucking with my mind... cause that would really be cool. I havn't had one of those in a long time and was looking forward to my next.

But I'm confused as hell. No level of energetic empathy can help me here. ( I never was good with girls I'd fallen for. If I'm on the cusp or anywhere on the other side, we're good... A damn artist with some of the stuff I can do and see. With someone I'm allready over the line with; I'm like a boy who has never been in a relationship before; she'll just end up being that much of a mystery.)

I lost 11 games, won 3. By won three, I mean 2. One was handed to me. (I handed him a number of games too... but because of my ego, they get counted against me)

I just wasn't there. We started talking about ball placement... he told me that I'm sloppy... that I have a very good shot, but because I don't make a plan, don't think or anythin... I'm just lucky.

I smiled. Perfectly lined up my next 6 shots... Like perfectly lined up... no question intentional.

said that if I did that with everyone, I wouldn't have anyone to play pool against.

he offered me a place to live in 4 months (or so).. just bought a condo yesterday.

and I'm definately going to take him up on that... it'll be a little farther away (like 3 blocks) and a little more a month.

But this guy is exactly my age, has the same schedule as me and he doesn't own any cats. (among other things.)

my friends are going to get upset; been moving every 6 months... but I guess roomates being like women; I'll just keep looking until I find the right one.

-------

to the drama.

I couldn't win at all; cause I was trying to figure her out. Your typical highschool situation. Ignoring me, no smiling... straight; to the point...

My buddy was laughing... she would do the rounds to all of the other tables at least 3 to 4 times before she would stop by ours. Quick in and out. Wouldn't see her for another long time.

After a bit, when I livened up; planted some hooks into her head. Actually had a good conversation. She gave off appropriate signals... mentioned her age; only brought up positive aspects of herself; smiled in the right places and didn't let a topic go (that she was discussing with my buddy) until she got an answer from me on my opinion.

Followed the hooks ( just your basic "when her attention comes this way, let me know") and every time she would leave our table, or about to come back to our table, she would stop by the hostess, get in all close talk for a minute or so and glance over at us mid way.

Which is really weird, cause she woun't glance at all for the in betweens except for those times.

and she wasn't busy... sat and talked with another table for almost 20 minutes...

so... yeah.

At first, we figured that I just messed something up really bad and she was avoiding us.

After that, I figured that because our conversation was neutral, to judge how things were going, she had my first impression from initially seeing me... which was... lethargic to say the least. (I'm spacy today)

*smile*

I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter; regardless of whats going on in her head or myne.

Tonights party

Went to a party hosted by some of my oldest friends. I used to hang out with them all of the time... wing night on wednesdays (went for 3 years without missing more than I can count on my fingers), party saturdays (well... sometimes fridays, saturdays, sundays, mondays and tuesdays)

Havn't seen them for a few months. Got called up. My best friend out of the group just bought a house with his fiancae. House warming party... which was cool.

Around 9, the guys with girls started showing up. And it struck me. The really awesome guys that are in this group... their girls who they are all really happy with are all over weight, annoying (except for one or two) and I don't find them particularely attractive (except for one or two... these are generalizations... some girls are just awesome. the others - majority - are definately "average" people).

And I was like DAMN!. This would imply that by hanging out with these people, I will end up with this type of girl.

Is there something wrong with this statement? I would say to be a major part of that group, I would have to share a major part of that groups mentality... and I guess finding sub-par people to chill with just happens to be part of the package.

Don't get me wrong. And there are people that I really need to exclude from this list. As I've never mentioned names or places, I'm not going to start now... but except for the few, I really wanted to use my mental powers to crush some windpipes tonight.

Maybe thats why I don't chill with those guys anymore.

Strange.

Fun party though.

I would estimate the amount of beer consumed to be in excess of 100, unfortunately, we're looking at a 3-1 male/female ratio... which automatically fails any social gathering.

The next step

Well, I did take a step forward. I got her number last night; and as per decorum, called her today.

To say "hi! I'm interested in you, not just a guy who collects numbers" (which I have done and is very fun, but doesn't usually win you any prizes - except for missed oppourtunities)

Today's call went well, but she lost me somewhere. I really want to see her and be with her, but a potential "I'm avoiding you" flag has been raised.

She's busy. Works evenings, shift work. Variable appointments during the day and has a back log of friends who want to do something.

Which sucks!

I have a motto thats never failed me before. "If she won't commit to a time and day to see you, she doesn't really want to see you."

There was a girl which that statement blew it for me... but there were many girls which that hard line has saved me alot of grief.

If its important, they'll make time. But the dirt doesn't make the time to plant the seeds, the farmer has to do that...

I made a note into my little calender to call back in a week, avoid contact if possible (to increase worth, there has to be a shortage of supply) and offer a day and time; or a way for her to contact me if she's ever available...

But as to that, as I live a very personal life, until this drama is over; I'm sorry but this is the last entry on this special someone.

---------

The first 'real' ninjutsu class started tonight.

It was very good... to tell the truth. There was one point where I yelled out the lords name in vain in an effort to express the pain I was feeling; (by one point, I mean several) but nothing got injured. I guess I sorta stepped outside the lines of "acceptable attack" when the instructor was forced to "double fist grab me in the inner thighs" about as hard as he can. (I'm not even going to look to see if I have marks)

I have alot of work to do to become the blackbelt I expect.

Strange. I'm stuck between arrogance and humility. I have to have the confidence to say to my instructor "I'm black belt material" but I have to also have killed ego enough to hold no expectations.

To tell you the truth, I see it around every corner under every rock.

*smile* and I know thats wrong. By doing that I make it not be around any corners or under any rocks... but its become my goal; and whatever it takes.

Today's class was about pain compliance and annoyance. How you must create a pain and enforce it into an opponents system to create shock.

Interesting, to tell you the truth. I left alot of marks on people... and I definately felt alot of pain. But interesting none the less.

There are a few students; some spent our little "4 month vacation" period relaxing, others spent it training in various things. My breaking has definately changed my style and structure...

The guys who took it to relax, they're a little worse for wear right now.

The white chocolate rose

This was after my first two girlfriends; Before any others.

I came home on valentines day; spent with a male friend of myne... partying I would guess. (I don't really remember too well)

Its 5am, walk to the front door and there is a white chocolate rose attached to an envelope in the mail box of my parents house.

"Craig"

Go down to my room, open the card. Inside, hand written is a poem (found it online; so it wasn't origional) signed "your secret admirer"

No capitals, obviously a self confidence issue. Looked to be harder pressed towards the end - emotional. (usually when writing, it gets lighter as the writer gets more tired and careless)

Scented (with a common female perfume), in female hand writing (that didn't match my mom's... no practical joke here).

Right handed. and thats all I could tell. I had suspicions of who it was but no one ever came forward and said "hey! I'm your secret admirer, wanna go for a bite?" And with the effort of dropping this off into my mailbox, it didn't matter who it was; I would have totally been for it, bought and a movie afterwards too... no matter status looks, size or personality.

My brother came home at 2, there wasn't anything in the mailbox then. (and he was a stoner, playing jokes like this doesn't occour to those types)

Makes me smile.

Many nights I stayed up thinking about it. Trying to read into who it was.

truth... n'stuff

I've done alot more thinking about truth and lies... and I've come up with something that just won't leave me.

The best truth is one no one believes, the best lies is one no one doubts.

Maybe from a power sence anyways... cause there is power in the truth.

And in knowing.

Its funny... I met a girl that I fell for instantly... but how can I get her when I can't even breathe when she looks at me?

*laugh* mr man of a thousand things to say can't come up with anything past hello.

And I have things... but they sound so... cheasy in my head to say. Its all I can come up with. Is it ok to say cheasy things sincerely?