Me and the Martial Arts

Over the past 2 - 3 years (I don't know when it started in that time) my ninja instructor has been pushing me towards an edge. Maybe not physically at all, but emotionally.

True, my physical abilities have more than increased exponentially, my pain tolerance, my reaction time, yadda yadda yadda.

But emotionally, I started a wreak... and am less of one now.

Frankly, I was a victum. I would allow him to trounce me on the mat, just bruise me emotionally. Some classes I would leave feeling like I'm being picked on; abused and just... unhappy. (I don't know why I kept coming back... to tell you the truth)

And now... after a class of the same, where he's pressing my buttons the whole time; I still feel things... but I acknowledge those feelings and wonder where they come from.

"I feel like crying." but why? What has happened over the last 2 hours that would push me to this point? Am I being treated differently than any other class member? Is there anything "Unfair" that I am being exposed to?

(I hate that word "FAIR" its harsh... but the word fair is used by loosers and the weak... only if you have been taken advantage of can you say "thats unfair". and why have you been taken advantage of? because you put yourself in that situation.)

Control.

If there was something someone asked me I gained from ninjutsu, its control. That seething, sesspool of anger that we all have inside us... that pain, that injured place where we have done nothing wrong and the world is conspiring against us...

Control. By going there and seeing what it is... not in the dead of night with my eyes closed... but with a flashlight looking at the walls of the cave and reading the pictures painted there.

And truth be told; I would say 4 out of 5 days I look at what I'm doing to myself with fear and misunderstanding...

But on days like today; I feel me. Not a product of my society. Not a leaf blowing in the wind; becoming what I have to to survive.

I feel me.

Where I can contrast who I am, to who I was... and see who I would have been... my roomate who takes an hour and a half to get a point across when 3-4 words would do quite nicely.

My friends who are slaves to chemicals... blood sweat and tears to get drunk every other night.

I feel ME.

and I feel pretty damn good.