Loss of ego gain of self

I'm trying to write a post on Ego.

How one's self centered-ness is the root of all... evil I guess.

Unfortunately, I'm having a serious problem writing anything about it without going into a demonstration / story.

That story usually involves an action I've done or an action someone else has done and every time I start describing it; I get caught up in the Ego debate internally.

As I'm not instructing (sorta), the only reason to describe something along these lines would be to showcase my own knowledge or something like that.

You see the problem?

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I've been watching my blog statistics slowly drop off over the last week. I know you all still check me out occasionally. I'm not battling myself on what you think; the guilt and pain of hurting people, the guilt and pain of being hurt.

Its strange, like the absence of guilt. That the only suprise comes from a calm efficiency in "this is broken... how do we fix it?" and my own recognition that thats not ... expected for an average person to do.

If I believed in God, I would say "He is perfect. Everything He creates is perfect, therefore I'm perfect. Everything I do is to his design, I can do no wrong." That my intent moments of crisis are impecable; because of that there cannot be guilt for recriminations. I acted with purity and true-action and am beyond feelings of doubt and shame.

Saying something and discovering that not only do you act according to your "beliefs" but in an emergency situation when adrenalin and testosterone pound through your blood; you follow what you've been preaching to the letter... its different. (to say the least).

I like it; its a very simple way to be. The whole "integration with society" thing is going to take some work though.

I think what I'm talking about is referred to ruthlessness... not cruelty, but ruthlessness.

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To sum me all up - Thanks guys for your support. I appreciate the fact that there are a few people who enjoy listening to me (like a daily talk show) and will try to continue writing.

*smile*

Just not finding an excess of words; thats all.

Understanding

I would like everyone to take the time and read this comment posted. Please tell me your thoughts on this.

Kit-Kat - It sounds like your really mad over something. Instead of finding its actual cause, it appears like your taking the symptoms out on me.

I really hope it helped to make you feel better.

I'm unsure however if you were trying to help me or hurt me. This confusion only made your reply less impacting and more "look at me" dramatic.

Thank you for the feedback though; I'll try to fit your suggestions into future posts.

Everyone else -

I hurt a really good friend on thursday and I'm having a hard time being here to write to you all.

I know there are quite a few people who check me regularely; please come back in a few days, I'll try to have something positive to talk about.

Planting and reaping

We're all born with a blank slate.

Some have ingrained abilities, some have pre-determined traits; but those count little when the final tallies come out.

Does it strike you odd that often those who spend most of their young life watching others emerge as the most popular when older?

Does it strike you odd that often those who miser their money when yound often end up with a surplus when older?

What do we have for currency? how do we get things? how do we grow?

You trade independance for religion and security. Trade time for friends. Trade blood for money.

That is our existance.

What is a friendship but a mutual donation of time? the more time given, the stronger the frienship. Like the friendship is simply a sum of every sacrifice made for its ends.

I used to trade Micromachines with my cousin when I was younger.

Cars that can all be bought for the same price somehow have a worth to yourself and others.

Rare sets, sets you can't buy any more, cool sets, sets that change color in the sun... there is a hierarchy born out of astethics and percieved worth.

I'm sitting there trying to trade him 5 cars he sorta wants for 1 car I really want. According to our childhood lessons of currency, 5 nickles is worth a quarter. But in the land of bargining and trading; 5 lower micromachines is not worth a larger.

But with that larger, you can purchase anything you want.

And this lesson echo's throughout my life. 5 minutes of a mentor's time is worth more than its corresponding worth of the student.

5 minutes of time with a loved one is worth more than its corresponding value with people you like.

So I guess as we walk our paths; the question must be asked: Do I specialize or generalize? Do I spend hours learning the perfect punch? or do I spend that time learning sorta how to punch, kick, grapple and spar?

Where as that one punch can shatter innumerable boards; the weak punch, kick and all other skills combined in succession cannot achieve the same goal.

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A sorta side note; everything is a trade. Wether percieved or not.

Spending your Sunday mornings in Church is a trade. Believing the Word vs. repeating the Word is a trade.

Even sitting infront of the TV playing videogames is a trade.

And I guess traits act like seeds in a field.

You can either harvest your crop and eat or replant entire.

After enough time, development and education (no matter whatever it is you do) you will have enough crop and plant with some left over.

Debt

A long time ago; I was fighting with my brother.

He owed me a substantial (to me at that time) amount of money and wasn't paying up.

He said "I acknowledge the debt, for you that should be good enough. If both parties don't acknowledge the debt, then there is no debt."

I think he was trying to proove that we didn't need to record our transactions on paper or something.

But those words stuck with me.

And I find myself talking with new people online all the time... last night, I remembered a passage from a book which states something along the lines of who ever asks to enter negotiations is coming in on a lower level. They have allready lost ground.


This new girl asks to MSN; I agreed. I figured that as she is now entering negotiations with me as to our reltionship; she's on a lower ground. Some conversation ensues; I realise that over the last few years, alot of people have done this... just not thought of actions/reactions that they precipitate something, that I have something they want and expect to get it for either what its worth or slightly below that value.

And why?

Even though I can feel the shifting measure of 'whose winning' a substantial amount of the people I deal with are completely ignorant.

They just don't have the care or attention to understand whats going on. While this makes it impossible to have a proper rally for score in an arguement; it does make it hell-of-alot easier to manipulate them into getting what I want.

Just this mornings thought.

Today's quote

Reading this book called "The Warrior Prophet" by R. Scott Backker. Pretty good read. The seccond book in a series called "the prince of nothing".

This quote is from this book... for in one man's fiction lies another mans fact.

"No decision is so fine as to not bind us to its consequences. No consequence is so unexpected as to absolve us of our decisions. Not even death."

Love it. Of course a little more grave than something I would say... but the book deals with war, and gravity is a must at that point.

The mountain and the wall

First things first; I climbed my first mountain yesterday.

After a foreboding evening, rode my bike out to our pre-arranged meeting place. It was pouring rain as I rode there (I brought an extra pair of clothes to change before we got underway). Pouring rain as we were driving to the mountains, pouring rain as we started walking, pouring rain all day, didn't stop until about 5am the next morning.

The walk out was fairly uneventfull. I fell into a river (oops) but my equipment was all waterproofed (as good as possible anyways) so nothing got too unhappy. The my pants were dripping and the river was a hell of alot colder than the rain. Funny enough, the heat generated by my body walking was enough to almost completely dry out my pants by the time we made it to camp.

We setup camp, erected a few tarps. I put myself incharge of the fire (because I'm good with fire and not very good with someone else's tents or tying complicated knots to hang tarps n'stuff) ; got a helper and we ranged into the forrest to get some dead wood to burn.

Ended up finding several full dead trees (which we stripped and dragged) I got a small fire going as we heaped more and more wood on.

The fire wasn't very happy with us turned to smouldering wet wood... until I provided a massive amount of fresh O2 for an extended period... turned it into a raging wood eating monster.

*smile*

We kept that fire running very hot for almost 5 hours... since the beginning, we were throwing stones into the fire. I figured that when night hit, we would need a portable, containable source of heat. Eventually, we built a seccond smaller fire pit closer to our tarp shelter which we were using to dry our shoes n'stuff. (made a dry line to hang clothes on) Of course, I followed our "guide's" instructions and packed as lite as possible. Which means one pair of pants (which I was wearing) one pair of shoes, some socks and another shirt. (well... all the food, camping equipment, sleeping bag etc. makes my pack around the 60 pound range... but the thought counted, I guess) Which means while drying my shoes, I had a large rock (which had been around the fire for a few hours) to stand on. It became my island; which radiated heat and spoke to me of the wonderous earth.

It was quite the sight. A group of Ninja's afraid to go out in the rain.

Of course we were all soaked to the bone, mildly cold (ok... really cold) and pretty much exhausted from battling all the above for the day; but still.

Went to bed around 12, woke up at 8 with a potentially bright and sunny day ahead of us. *yeah*


After a few hours of climbing and seeing some *amazing* scenery; I finally managed to get to this saddle clost to the summit and take this shot. (yeah, about another 400 vert. feet away. -- I wussed out... sue me)

UNREAL! -- you see that trail... sorta centered in the shot? Thats where we came from that... the really cool thing, is you can follow it in the picture, following the river, shoots off to the left pretty hard and runs parallel to the river until its out of the picture. Thats right... the ground covered in the picture is less than a third of the distance we travelled. Oh yeah, that photo was taken at 7400 feet. I ended up going up another 3-400 feet... until it was break time. One of the other guys (*laugh* he ended up paying for this later too...) took an extra walk to the summit to pee off the edge.

Went right over the mountain, came back at our camp from the back side. Going down, contrary to popular belief, is actually much more difficult than going up. Except for the first kilometer... which we slid down the side of a mountain on scree. Climbed down another waterfall, hugged the side of a mountain for a kilo or two... either our guide was just amazing or he was using his GPS (or something) cause we ended up on a trail that took us right to camp.

Hiking back was brutal agony (cause we'd all hit our physical walls getting up and coming down that mountain) but cool. As I was pace leading the group, I got to witness thousands of butterflies take flight when my shaddow crossed over them. Made the whole experiance seem outside of the real world.

There's soo much more I could say; but I'm not gonna. I'm sure you guys are pretty eyesore reading my post anyways. If requested, I have a few other photos I could post.

I hate to say this

I'm an energetic sort. I enjoy pushing myself mind body and spirit.

When you look at all of the masks I wear, thats one of the only (not the only, but one of the only) commonalities.

I come home; my roomate has taken the week off ( I think... either that or got fired and isn't telling me). Every night he's been drunk when I got home. When he leaves his room open, the house stinks like smoke. Not naucious tobacco smoke... mind altering THC smoke that I so detest.

Every night I've seen him or talked to him; it literally takes me hours to recover and become myself again.

I think its approaching time for me to move on.

Thank you roomate; its sorta been fun.

Wiccians, christians and bears Oh My!

A girl I'm becoming friends with is a Wiccian.

I've heard alot of very interesting perspectives on that faith but nothing I can really credit as 'factual' or even 'knowledgable' so asked a few friends on the topic.

To start with - if you've read a few of my 'far out' posts, you'll realise my religious leanings are muddled at best. The things I've done either indicate that I'm a child of god, a natural paladin of some order or would condem me as a heretic.

Which is too bad... but whatever.

I asked a very christian co-worker (whom I trust a touch more than the rest of the world as to insight and beliefs - though a little over zelous, some of the thought paths he walks are similar to my own) about his experiance with Wiccians.

He recently shot me a document referencing to this article - "What You Should Know About Witchcraft"

While interesting, it appears to have the common flaw (which I've seen over and over again) of quoting its source to create validity in its source. Essentially saying "I'm right because I say I'm right and I've said it before you said I was wrong."

The only catch, is that everything "God" and "Bible" related essentially states "if your doing something not in my name, your evil. If your doing something in my name your good." (sure thats very simplified; but still... the message is the same)

So much so; the bible is saying that all other communication with the spirit relm; all learning and discovery is wrong and thus forbidden.

*smile*

This results in the mentality of "you either believe or you don't. If you believe then looking to confirm your belief is wrong. If you don't believe your going to hell anyway so look all you want."

Another interesting perspective - brought to me by my good friend who's traveling through India and its surrounding area;

Thank-You Sri Lanka

Please make your way to the bottom of her article (or even peruse her blog... her writing is very refreshing) and find the last 7 paragraphs. Read them quite intensively.

"Now - here comes the stickler - Sri Lanka is 75 Buddhist.. And India is 80% Hindu.
Could it be that religion is at the crux of the incredible divergence of these two countries?"

She compares India (which she has been living in for the last 4 or so months) to Sri Lanka (which she is visiting). That the population density and characteristics are quite similar; seperated only by religious belief.

Over the next few days/weeks, I'm going to open my mind up to the possibility that our religion determins how we live; that our capitalistic mentality isn't brought about by our politica but by what we pray to and hope for.

Perhaps the corruption we life in is a result of the corruption in our minds? (by corruption, I refer to our political lifestyle, the drama that plagues every workplace. The 60-100 hour work week, the deteroration of our family unit, the growing stupidity we bathe in... etc.) Perhaps the happiness I experiance on a day to day basis... the beautifull way of life I enjoy is a result of my community's belief.

Thoughts?

The rest of the story

I wake up at 4:15am; sorta get dressed as best I can, jump on my motorcycle and fly to my buddies house.

We get all packed up / ready to go and drive out to the mountains for a day of hiking fun.

Only a 3 1/2 hour drive; stop by subway for 'lunch & supper to go'.

The guy I'm with is a vegetarian, very smartly says "I'm allergic to bacon" to the first person. She calls back "this gentlemen is allergic to bacon, please change all gloves and wash all knives before coming into contact with his sandwitch."

I was floored. Typically, someone would be like "oh... ok... I'll just change gloves and good luck!" but these subway people demonstrated a step above (in my books).

Not only that, but they wrapped our large subs in 2 halvs; instead of just cutting the sub in half and wrapping it all together. The lady said she usually gets crews and workers coming and started wrapping their subs like that.

A+ service in my books.

We get going, I take a quick car nap. Jump out and start our hike.

Todays journey consists of a 15km hike up to thes small waterfalls, climbing above the falls (definately not a trail at all) doin another 5 km of hiking. Coming back, climbing down and hiking to the car.

40Km (approximately)

The hike out was pretty uneventfull. I got a small blister on my right foot; changed shoes, dressed the blister and pushed on.

Got to the falls with plenty of gas in our tanks... climbed above.

The view from up there was spectacular!

I swear, what I was looking at is represented in exhibits across the world as breathtaking... Its not 1/10 of what really being there is.

Above the falls is what can be described as a japaneese garden. Over the course of about a kilometer (and at least a few hundred feet elevation) are hundreds of small waterfalls, all filling pools which overflows at one end to fall into the next. Some of these are huge, others are no larger than the table I'm sitting in front of.

We explored for a time; watched some sand pipers play in the sand.

Started to head back.

Just above one of the main falls was a huge boulder. We lay across it absorbing the sun; breathing pure ionised air and feeling the ground shudder through our bones in tune with the water flowing around us.

Magic!

Climbed down and started the return journey.

I'm going back there next weekend with my martial arts class; we were just doing the advance scout... (looking for sign of bears, finding a trail above the falls, seeing what we might want to do next weekend - n'stuff)

There is this mountain top that ends in an almost sheer cliff... must be a few thousand feet above the tree level... but looks down across the whole valley. Sure its stupid to try; but I'm going to sit on top of it saturday and see the world for what it is.

I've been redressing my blister (which is now the size of my last thumb joint - 1cmx2cm) and am in almost constant pain from it. I've been using the sunscreen quite thouroughly; but buddy hasn't... may have a slight sunburn by now. I'm pretty sure we both have heat stroke... with nothing to do about it. I've dranken at least 6 liters of water and am 'marking territory' every 3-500 meters.

Stop about a quarter of the way back, take off our packs and climb a hundred or so meters into scree... so we can do some "scree running". Its like surfing; but involves sliding down a mountain on fist sized rocks which have razor edges and offer no support.

I've never done that before... it was terrifying. Fun.

So far there has been 3-4 times where only quick reflexes and an iron grip (born out of terror) kept me from falling at least 50 feet onto some rock face. Not only scree running, but up the falls and down. When your climbing almost vertical rock and your feet all slipout from under you... with only your hand gripping something the size of a wallet... *laugh*

The walk back took forever.

For some reason my right leg frooze up completely; I was dealing with the pain on a step by step basis... the trail (somehow?) turned to mud over the course of the day which ment every time we saw some bog; had to circle around (or in my case try to find a safe way thruogh). Buddy slipped on a log (of all things) and fell into a rather large sinkhole... smashed his left knee and twisted his right leg pretty good.

Needless to say, by the time we got to the vehicle; we'd been hiking for the last 10 hours and were 'broken'.

*laugh*

I'm not doing too bad today, but I dressed what I could as well as I could... other than my right calf not wanting to work; I'm doing rather well.

(yes , I fell asleep in the bathroom before I turned on the shower, yes, I went back to bed for a minute, woke up when all hell broke loose at the office and they needed their IT guy. Oops.)

Buddy on the other hand is seriously crispy from the sun; munged legs and might not be coming into work today.

I think all will be good enough for our hike on the weekend (coming up).

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Oh and a quick update; if my perception is serving correctly, my roomate (who owns the apartment I'm living in) doesn't appear to have been to work in several days... the signs of the kitchen look like he has stopped caring about keeping things tidy...

If forced to guess I would say he's lost his job.

I'll keep you all posted.

good idea / bad idea

**REVISION**

As usual, when I'm over tired; not only does what I say not make any sence, but what I write makes no sence what so ever.

So I re-wrote the blog that was here below; included the previous version below it.
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A friend of myne is turning 25 on thursday. Like all really cool guys; he's got an amazing girlfriend.

She called up 30 of his friends and told them to all be over at their new house for a suprise party.

After a little socialising and chillin out, we get the "he's here" signal from our lookout and hide around whatever we can find.

He walks around the corner; we cover him with silly string (like 10-15 bottles of it) and some streamsers n'stuff.

To sum it up, it was a pretty good party. Usually these guys just chill... sit around somewhere drink and smoke which I find incredibly ... status-quo (boring). This time, we all wer standing around chillin out, but there was a wicked fire in the firepit, some decent music playing in the house, some guys playin poker (which I love to do) and food.

After a while, it being about 11:00 and fairly dark out; I figure "I've got a 40 km hike tomorrow, which I have to be awake at 4ish to get going... I should leave" Start doing the walkaround hand shakin' and a good friend of myne is like "yo! this dude here is a wicked staff dancer and went home to get his stick so he can show us what its al about"

(( for reference; staff dancing and poi dancing is amazing. anyone who goes to raves, see's the glowsticks flying around in really cool patterns... just humming around a person will understand. Suddenly, your not now and here; your somewhere else watching these lights dance infront of you. Its a very lifting experiance.)

I was still thinking about leaving and buddy was like "I know how to dance with a staff; but you know how to strike with the staff... I was sorta hoping you could show me some stuff with it... its just 20 minutes."

Well; when put that way, for a friend I'll sacrifice 20 minutes... what can it hurt?

Wait around the fire for a bit, my buddy get the notion that he's gonna spin some poi for all of us. I've got some string in my bike (which was hidden a block away because of the suprise nature today needed) and jog to get it for him.

Getting back, find out he's gone home to get his poi but the staff guy is here.

He starts spinning; putting on a really wicked show - this staff is a hollow tube with a teflon grip molded into the center. The tube is filled with glowsticks and capped at each end. Only 3-4 feet long and way lighter than any wooden counterpart; its a wicked showpiece.

I check out the staff, spin it some... really enjoy moving it around. Buddy gets back from his house brought two staffs and some poi (a poi is a tennis ball- like thing attached to a string. The string typically will have a little leather loop attached to it somehow; which goes onto your finger. using wrist motion and by moving your body; you get these two glowy things (typically glowsticks attached to the balls) to dance around your body in seemingly impossible patterns)

To sum it all up - I had an awesome time celebrating one of my oldest' friends birthdays.... but it was shortly after 1am when I went to bed.

3 hours until I have to be up for something potentially sucky.

Thanks for re-reading my post;

The Capt'n

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And here's the masterpiece that I wrote saturday night
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First things first - I'm a damn idiot.

Was at my friends bday party tonight. (which was a rad time!) just about to go and this guy runs home to get his staff (with glowsticks in it) to spin for us. He's amazing.

But I staff from the martial aspect. Another guy is like "hey, you wanna stick around for 20 minutes... I would really like to see what you have to show me with a staff... maybe I can use some of it in my dancing"

I get some rope from my bike for him to do something with (to make some poi to spin for the guys) running to my bike (which was hidden a block away because its a suprise b-day party) and the birthday boy calls my cell - "can you get me a pack of smokes...?" I buckle, run to 7-11 grab some smokes (I was not following the 'reccomended safety limit') get back and the stupid fucker (really cool guy) went home to get his staffs and his poi.

So this dude is spinning his wicked hand made teflon grip (like a tennis racket) staff with two huge glow sticks in the ends. He's really rad... I start fucking around; gettin into it (of course alot of friends are watching) an hour (or two) pass, buddy comes back with his poi, some of his staffs and he starts spinning.

We're all chillin out by this fire, listening to music and having a really awesome time.

so its 1:00. I have to be at my friends house in 4 hours so we can go for a 40 k hike.

Power Nap!

Car show

So I'm at this car show.

Its awesome; all these pimped out cars; filled with enough custom parts to build a completely new vehicle (and have some to spare).

It was pretty nice; of course I was there for the breakdancing competition.

To tell you the truth, I'm sorta getting tired of watching these guys perform. Not really making new routines; not really pushing themselves past their status quo.

I'm hungry but like a guy from the "unicorn power force" said "I'm just here to dance!"

I think these prizes, these competitions are just so the bboys can find smart ways to get other people to give them money.

yeah; so awesome guys, awesome cars.

the only thing that really dissapointed me was the women.

True there were alot of scantly clad skinney girls with big... ... brains. But seriously; I don't think I'm really interested in touching something like that.

I'vs seen strippers (and hookers) with more style and less makeup.

And of course during the show; these girls all run outside for a smoke... *cough* fuck.

I dunno why I feel like I do. Al the guys were drooling over these high prices pin up model esque girls... but I just wanted someone real. I dunno.

Enough times I've seen people pretend to be who they are that its starting to get on my nerves.

non-sence

I have an uncle; his favorite line was always "I have a 6th sence... non-sence." and it was funny; I'll give you that.

For my extra friday afternoon training session with my ninja buddy; we went to a small park thats sorta out of the way and did energy work.

Its been a while since I did a real energy posting, so figured I'd throw some ideas up.

If you recall, I was at this park full of people, found my friend from across 1-2 km; just walked straight to him. So I figured I should be able to develop some excercises to allow me to do that on purpose instead of just in the moment.

I told him when we started (while we were going into a state of Zen) that the US developing a laser that destroys missiles. To test it they put a gps system on the missile; to see if the laser actually worked.

So we sat across from eachother and shared energy. Then with him standing in the center of this gizebo; reformed that bond, walked away and had him try to point at me.

We did this 30-40 times (over an hour or so) facing all different directions (so wind, sun and indirect radiation weren't a factor) and switched off with me guessing and him guessing. Did it with me being close, with me being far (up to 15 or so feet away) with me intenting on him, pulling energy and pushing energy.

It was very... strange.

After the first 4-5 times, we didn't miss. And this was wait 20 secconds then point to me. (I was being perfectly silent... no noise... his eyes were closed) And I was walking randomly to different points around him. Sometimes hitting the same point over again; others just not moving at all for a minute before projecting.

Every Time.

After a while it was "wait for my signal" which was a push or something... it was different.

Next time we try this; I've got a blindfold and some earplugs to use... for the "double blind" test.

two hours later! (wow... what an appetite we worked up) did some sepearation excercises, neutralizing excercises (cause we weren't balanced during our "workout") and went on our way.

Stopped by another friends; ended up hitting a grocery store and cooking them both dinner.

I love saying to my friends "I appreciate you guys" in ways like that... it pleases me to no end.

Ugly take 2

Do ugly girls who complain about being discriminated against date ugly men?

Cause there are alot of ugly men out there; and they seem to somehow get the pretty girls. Whereas the ugly girls only get decent and average looking men.

I think there is a little bit of "cross league" play going on and would like to put a stop to it.

someone from a better league can call in a lower league player thats true... but the lower leagues need to be called fourth; they can't tryout without the invitation.

Just my take on it anyways.

the other office

there are alot of people who discount man's connection with the machines he works with.

That either things work or they don't their not influenced by their environment.

You ever see a person's car... thats just not right? Everything is falling apart on it (on a relatively new car none the less) things break all the time?

I see this every where I go. I would guess its one of the reasons we live in a "throw out" society. Because we're so messed up as a culture that our stuff breaks too fast for us to deal with it.

So I was in the other office yesterday and I was off key, but stuff kept breaking. A shock proof portable hdd stopped working; so I replaced it with another... it had another problem. So I grabbed my last hdd; put it in and it failed also.

I Get It!

Don't use an external hdd for this solution... understood.

But seriously.. things kept locking up, not restarting properly, becoming choppy having to be force-rebooted.

Yeah. I've had days like that before; and I always approach the same problem machines the next day and typically they work flawlessly.

ugly

Online dating. I love it.

Just added someone to my msn; havn't seen a picture yet but she sounds sorta... desperate. Figured maybe she's sick or something and just came across wrong.

Did the ol' recon and find in her profile this quote. (oh yeah... and a really ugly picture too)

"Beauty is only skin deep so i think that it is time to stop discriminating people no matter in what shape they come in. It is only what is inside the person that counts. "

AHHHHhhhhhh!!!!!

Seriously... what the hell. Did you know that 75% of stupid people are too stupid to know how stupid they are? 75% WOW! I guess a significant portion of those are bad looking people and instead of accepting what they have and emphasizing their strong points; they have to complain about the weak points.

I hate complainers. Ugly's I only find minorly irritating (which can be worked around) ... but complainers I can't stand.

and sometimes you see it coming from a long ways away

I'm talking with this ultra nice girl; such a beautiful person.

(yeah, I'm still internet dating... its just so addictive)

So delicate... I can feel her moving closer, making assumptions about who I am; what I do and how I do it... stuff like that.

The worst thing is; I'm going to meet her, let her get close so I can see for myself who she thinks I am.

Perhaps its sadistic. This level of self verification. Looking through someone elses eyes for justification that I'm actually a person.

Or maybe its with hope that she (among all the others) could possibly have a damn clue what makes me tick. (um... unlikely in this case)

I'm curious if I'm going to get hurt by this one. Trying to expose myself to these girls... true I learn soo much about who I am by what I say and do... but in the path of being honest I become so damn vulnerable.

Always an adventure.

Shallow

"That really sounded shallow. No offense.Are you just about looks in a woman then?"

I would love to say "yeah! all about looks. Just a normal guy here."

To start; I re-read my post, and it did look pretty shallow. I didn't mean for it to come across like that; but it did; so best make the best of it.

It was bad. Watching one of the strippers dance. I could see a smile on her face and her whole demeaner screamed that she loves teasing men from stage.

Until I caught her eyes. And all I could see; instead of whats visually infront was all the emotional pain this girl was in.

*sad smile* It sorta makes me tear up thinking about it.

Straight up - I wouldn't touch that with a 10 foot pole.

That appears to be the worst part. Most girls that are killer, killer attitudes, killer bodies. I can look into them and see something so hurt and wounded that makes them keep it up; not out of joy... that feeling going and looking good just feels good; but a drive. A hurt; someone teasing them when little; being yelled at (not being good enough) by their parents.

Something.

And when I'm sleeping beside a girl; I'm wrapped up in their emotion... thats what I see when I close my eyes; thats what I'll dream about what I absorb and taste when I wake up.

Something I'm never putting myself through again (yeah, a long / bad story).

So; I would love to say "if a girl looks good, then I'm all for it" but thats really a quarter of the truth. I really respect a person who can take care of themself... that has that supple lithe body. Its something that I work for and would hope to find.

But the mind is on par. Not to have an open mind, relaxed... just that what I look for in a person has to have a quality of thought; a level of matureness grown through pain and have opened themself and seen it for what it is.

Liz; the answer to your question is some guys are mini-van guys. Other guys drive trucks.

I'm a street bike guy. I love it; just closing my eyes while on it, I know a harmony with life that is rare for me to find anywhere else.

But not any street bike. Something special.

And thats what I'm looking for in a girl; someone who just... fits.

until I find it, I can only guess what its like.

Happy Canada Day!

Happy Canada Day Everyone!

I love watching all the people gather around for the fireworks... its a strange mood to feel.

Especially when something big hits and the croud sucks in its collective breath.

I love it.

And best of all; we went back to my friends house and played two small texas hold'um tournaments. I won both! (not for money... and the seccond one, I had 8-10x the amount of chips the other player had but we were tired, so just said "this is for all the marbles"... which I lost... but I still count it as a win.)

It was strange. I'm going in on every hand, using my superior chips to buy some pots... another one, I just fold pre-flop... turns out other guy would have had a full house from the flop. I was just zoned.

Felt good.

Was at the Bar last night; watching these two girls dance up a storm. They were performing vodoo on the world... while I was watching, they shot down atleast 5-6 pairs of men. As soon as a guy would approach, they would just push him away or sorta move their circle of two elsewhere.

it was fun. Some serious ass at that bar.

But nothing was being picked up. Which leads me to believe... if your going to pickup a girl, its not at a bar... its gonna be somewhere else when they're unsuspecting. (like when they're taking the garbage out or something)

Before that bar, we were at the strippers. Which I rarely if ever go to... but I couldn't believe the talent. Usually its no big deal... watch some naked girls and get home feeling neutral. Every stripper was smokin' hot and half could dance too.

Suprising. Just makes me want to reach out and touch someone.

Worst of all... seeing those girls and those strippers; I can't stop looking until I find a woman that beautiful for myself. Just someone I would consider as par.

But thats what I was looking for anyways; so I guess its not a big deal.