Break dancer extrordinair

So I checked out this breakdancing class today. (like a half hour ago)

and Damn! I finally see how cool it is and seriously can understand how its done. Just sat through the class and watched the dynamics. I see alot of serious potential with these guys, one or two of them really can move, and there is one who can move just doesn't trust.

I see a real oppourtunity to thrive and learn.

Funniest thing, today's class was supposed to be cancelled, but they rescheduled it... and the instructor didn't show.

The hip hop instructor stepped in and did the class for the b-dance instructor... and danm, she can move too.

There is a hop class immediately proceeding this one, and once I get into it, I figure I'll be going to both.

The only unfortunate thing, is there won't be any flips happening here, arials of any sort really... but I was pointed to a gymnastics class where I can pick that up. Really the breaking could totally compliment my martial abilities and vice versa. Never mind learning how to dance to fill in the gaps between cool trick shit. (like hand springs etc.)

But one step at a time. I asked about waivers or health care cards etc. *laugh* the instructor was like "your totally scaring me; do you plan on getting hurt?"

The point that was totally emphasized today - people don't know if you screw up unless you tell them.

You know, during a wicked ass stall you fall; if you just keep going, how do people know? unless you go "shit! I got nothing... "

I'm concerned though. I was thinking about moving, but my current house, I might be able to practice there on the hard wood floors. New place doesn't sound like alot of room.

And coronation pool has a wicked 'hard wood' type area off the pool that no one uses for someone to practice as well.

it'll be no time before I'm standin up sayin "you bitches been served" standin all home style.

C

Evening thoughts

So I've been internet dating for a while. Which is fun, it really is. If your prepared to sort through alot of fat desperate people; its a damn blast.

Its like... jurassic park. Reading the book was way better than the movie. Your imagination fills in the gaps of what you read with what you think should be there. Which is like chatting with a person on msn who you havn't met.

Everything they say is taken, distorted and then used to form an image of the girl your talking with.

Of course when you actually meet the girl in real life.... the shocking discovery that she weighs more than an adult gorilla, looks shockingly like an adult gorilla and drools more than jabba the hut is usually enough to knock a man off his feet.

In your mind, you take the 'picture' of her, attempt to morph it into what you see.... and realize the "caution, pictures sent to you may be aged more than you would guess" warning should be taken seriously.

Not from any recent experiance...

Swimming part two

So, I went swimming for a seccond time.

Got to see the infamous sport water hockey in action (which is damn cool).

I think I'm getting the hang of swimming (baby steps... I know). First time, officially I did two laps (thats 50 meters twice to form a lap) took a break and did another half lap.

This time, as the pool was being used for other stuff, instead of going length wise had to swim the other way. So I did 15 laps (each lap was 17.5 meters twice) which is 525 meters (or 5.25 laps)

So I doubled myself. I swam laps until I felt like throwing up, took a breather and then pushed until 30 (one way lengths) (cause really ... working out doesn't count unless you reach some number of significance. I figured that 3 lengths roughly equaled 1 length the long way... so I was really doing 10. Which funny enough, the math added up... cause 30 is 10.5.

Next time... half again and I'll be happy... and I'm not leaving until I hit it either.

At work, I heard again today that I'm too skinney. That I've lost too much weight. Seriously... so much negativity.

I went over to a friends house for the superbowl; and a close friend's girlfriend said "Holy crap Craig, I can't believe how much weight you've lost... before I thought your size was totally muscle, but now its all gone!" I told her that I was tired of my old body, so I stripped it down and am rebuilding it. *laugh* she had to repeat it to herself twice under her breath... couldn't believe I would just say it non-chalantly like that, and that it could be so easy.

The next weekend, we celebrated my brother's (and his son's) birthday's. Supper came around, and mom presented me with some veggaterian wraps. (grandma and grandpa showed up for the occasion... old people need to see their family, it makes them feel wanted. And truth be told; I absolutely love my grandparents. They embody what I conceptualize good should be in this world.) Thats when the harrasement began. First grandma told me that I'm too skinney, I need to start eating meat and putting on weight. The mom got into my case... talked to me a few times.

Then my brother told me that his wife was just saying the same thing. That I looked sick. (well I was sick... had an enlarged spleen. not that it should make you look sick, but still)

I told them all that they're just used to seeing me so big, that I looked strange or sick because it was different. Told them all to just accept me for whats going on and deal with it.

And now work. (there are a few major devisions in our company) I've been keeping a friend, the administrative assistant for our utilities division up to date on all my gossip. (girls need gosip, otherwise they fade away) She came to me and said that one of our accountant's had made the same comment today. That I've lost too much weight, I'm all skin and bones.

Like DAMNIT! I look in the mirror every morning, and holy crap; I love what I see.

But perhaps I should eat more? so I'm trying that. hoping to stay off of meat as long as I can. (if I can... its been 2 months... well, will be 2 months on the 26th of febuary)

My only saving grace is my dearest heart. She's stuck in india, but her words sunk into my soul. "they're just jelous"

And damn right. There is no way that I'll be "alberta fit" and proud. I am not a majority player and having an average body sure as hell doesn't cut it in my books.

Now that I'm down on the bfi (under 8% thank you!) I'll just build mass, where I want it... maybe getting back up to 200 lbs...

(I started my adventure above 214, now I'm sitting shy of 177... last week I hit 174 and the week before that I was 182... still... thats like a 37 pound difference.)

The only catch... is that I used to have a botty. From Taekwon-do... kicking and kicking and kicking... my ass just grew. Actually in highschool, fitting my grad suit, mom made the comment "its like a shelf".

I went to buy some new pants on tuesday (today being thursday) and I held my shirt up and turned around... my advisor (utilities admin assist) said "holy crap, where did your ass go?"

and sure as shit, its gone. (but the store clerk - male - was totally flirting with me. Not that I drive my car that way, but he wasn't bad looking... and if a hot (potentially) gay person is flirting with me, that means I'm pretty upper echelon... right?)

So I have no ass, but I'm seeing my abs again. I'm working on physical strength and I've lost 40 lbs.

I would say everything is good for me, I just have to tell all those other loosers to shut up.

*laugh*

The swimming community

So yesterday I began my entry into the swimming community.

It started last year in august when I decided it was time to learn how to swim.

As part of project "meet a girl", I would randomly pick up women from everywhere. This created in my mind a 'random' style of odds on meeting someone potentially compatable. This resulting from not having any women where I spend the majority of my time (ie. pool, martial arts class and work) so I sorta have to luck out and find someone who matches.

As this appeared to not work (randomly, I don't see alot of compatable women either), I figured that if I could find some course at Grant Macewan (where all the girls are at) then everything would somehow work out. Which lead to swimming lessons. Girls need to learn how to swim... just like everyone else... and only skinney girls really want to become life guards and the like.

So I created the year objective of learning how to swim.

Unfortunately, shortly after discussing this idea with friends; my best friend convinced me to spend the same amount of money and time online dating instead... and promised better results.

But the proposed side effect - learning to swim - was never realised.

A few weeks ago I spent a week in Calgary, staying in the Sandman Downtown. In one of the lower levels, there resides a pool and hot tub; of course I would go down every night for an hour or so, sorta splash around (doing some mock laps... cause the pool was about the size of my hotel room) and call myself a swimmer. Patting myself on the back the whole time in congradulatoins of my swimming ability.

I walk into Coronation pool yesterday evening... ready to do something similar... after all, how difficult can swimming be? like really!

Purchase some fancy goggles (so I don't burn my contacts out this time); jump into the water and here goes... swim.

Needless to say swimming laps is alot harder work than I have ever given anyone credit for. Never mind the fact that my heart was absolutely racing half way throught, the actual work on my legs and arms was supprisingly difficult.

And of course, after 3/4 lap, this old chineese woman started making fun of me. "don't stop, don't stop... :" (it was my break time)

Sitting in the hot tub I came to realise that swimming itself has a subculture. With stereo-typical swimming people, everyone knowing eachother's names. It was like sitting with the regulars at a dance club or something.

The really neet thing though, is that unlike the dance club; you can really find everyone from all walks of life at the swimming pool. And they're all accepted. No judgements on size, height, weight, ethnicity. It was sorta cool.

I got out, dressed up... walked home (and wow was I shakey!)... I'm a swimmer.

Life as a healer

So I was engaged in an interesting conversation with a martial arts friend of myne this afternoon.

Involving the use of violence and its purpose.

He used a wicked analogy; "If you have a dog, who has been beaten all his life... that life's travel and learning was through violence and fighting and you compare it with its twin, but worry free; Side by side, they'll look the same... both be dogs afterall. But if you put them into a field, one will go out and froleich in the grass. The beaten dog will hunch down guarded to let any experiance into its life."

Or something like that anyways.

Since our conversation, two thoughts came into my head.

1) If a dog is beaten by a more powerfull foe... it always looses; it will assume that hunched / beaten appearance that abused animals become. On the other hand, if the dog fights for survival and wins, it has the potential to become something else. A stronger, 'better' animal.

I guess like forging a sword from the old days. You beat it, and either it becomes harder, or it breaks.

2) Interpreting law, any force that 'changes' where we would have gone if left alone can be construed as violent.

The only qualifier would be how long your actions remain controlled by your oponent.

For example... if I were to yell profanities at you, you didn't like this and got slightly mad... your "violent recovery time" would be like a half hour.

If I broke your arm or caused 'bodily harm', your violent recovery time would be significantly more. Lets say 3 weeks.

So... you look at the reverse side of the coin. As a healer, one would also have to be aware of what he is doing to his "victum's" life. Going under the impression that we're (energetically speaking) here to learn lessons, or that we're here to experiance... if we get healed by external means... this also qualifies as a 'violent' act.

One would guess that to not "create" carma... a person would strive to influence his/her surroundings as minimal as possible.

Of course, you apply this to what we say vs. what we do; you get a whole different path. Take a pastor for example. What that person says has so much influence on his followers; the potential for violence committed is enormous.

How can we justify actions like this?

------------

Intent justifying the actions?

I guess it all falls back to the "I am stronger/smarter/better so my influence on you is guiding you along the correct path"

or my favorite; "if you look like food, you will be eaten."

I am a Cougar

So, I was in this "healing course" where I was being healed.

Specifically, there was this time in my life where I needed a little uncertantly introduced; so I created it in the form of enlisting to be 'healed upon' in a "New Age" (applying those words to this will get me shot) sort of fassion.

Without going into much detail about that actual process... I was laying on a massage table, face up having what is commonly thought of as Raki practiced upon me.

I know it wasn't raki... but I can use that term, because people commonly think of raki as being healed without being touched.

Soft music was being played in the background, louder music was being created in my head; and among the journies I experianced was a cougar. My eyes were open, and when I closed them (or they were closed I just was somewhere else) phosphones (colored light inside one's eyes) revealed to me the shape of a large predatory cat.

Of course this immediately made sence to me, me being a cougar (finding that out at that moment) and I began to be/play with my animal form.

What occours to me now, and also why I write this up; is that we choose which animal we pattern after and what that represents.

Even if its on a subconcious level... we as humans can be and act so differently; of course who we are is ultimately our choice. (wether we acknowledge that choice is also a choice we make)

I am more than one thing, more than one person, more than one personality. I always assumed that I was just two seperate cats, which had to co-exist at the same time, just each one a different degree.

A black panther and a tiger, I had thought, were to be my life patterns.

A black panther, black representing the 'energetic' side of a panther (or cougar) and the panther being the mystic form of cat. There are alot of goals aspirations of a panther, none of which I feel apply to today. Just that a panther was cold, calculating and a predator was important to me. Essentially a part of who I establish is me.

The tiger was my brutal side. The brute force side that uses a sledge hammer to open a wallnut.

Interestingly enough, the idea of a plant eater animal was introduced into my mind a few hours ago. I routinely (well... two now) go through cycles of eating only vegetables and eating mostly meat; but never made the connections between my diet and my personality. Recent revelations however show that I am clearly outputting at a different level. Not physically, but mentally. My creativity is way up, my ability to manipulate is also way up. My intent (on the other hand) is totally more peacefull and mellow.

But ultimately my thoghts are, when I only considered myself a tiger/cougar, there was another side, just repressed. It came out (forced its way out) on its own, but I wouldn't allow it to manifest at a concious level.

Making the concious re-evaluation (including dipping into uncertanty) of which animals I am, allows me to continue to evolve into who I am / should be.

Perhaps there are many people who just assume they are who they were, un-neccarily forcing their minds and bodies into a mold that doesn't fit.

The start of my journey

To start...

My name is Craig; I live in a sub tropical city known as Edmonton. Sitting in my office, looking out one of the few windows at the snow covered cars in our parking lot. There just is something missing. Some form of outreach that I require.

For almost three years, I've been using meditation to look into myself; but I've also experienced a side of the real world I never thought existed. Figured I should find some way to share with whomever finds this what happens and has happened. To ask the real questions... Do I imagine what I see and rationalize it later? Or am I only seeing the surface of events.

A little bit about myself.

I would be considered a kind player. I look at flirting with women as a type of sport. Seeing their faces change with emotion; as a direct result of something I've done, said or implied thrills me.

I have rules. (or course everyone has rules to class what they do as proper) I only flirt with women who I want to date. I can't stand one night stands and try not to use girls for sex. Finally, everything I do is up front. If I'm only interested in a girl for her body; I tell her. If I'm currently seeing more than one woman, they both know whats going on. Anything less wouldn't be fair would it?

The catching however isn't always what its cracked out to be. In the last 5 years, I've had one relationship last more than 2 months... (we only saw each other once a week... According to my panel of judges its been stricken from the "relationship" record.) Typically, the random girl I find follows some sort of pattern. For a time, I was only interested in girls who have been 'abused' in the past. Now it appears that I can only find flat chested girls. I'll try to spot whats happening and make a note of it here.

My main identity is centered on martial arts. I've been practicing for 5 years now in various forms. Recently (almost 3 years recently) I jumped into a ninjutsu class. Moving from Taekwon-do to ninjutsu was strange at the least. From complete body tension to completely relaxed movement. Learning how not to hit people like they're a stack of boards to break has been challenging at the least.

Professionally, I fix computers. I've been trained as a software designer, but days after I graduated, was hired by a local engineering firm for manage their IT (information technology) system. In the beginning, I only knew enough to get by. Being able to distinguish the various peices "this is a mouse" from eachother and understanding what the power button did was definatly a bonus. Other than that, my very logical mind and ability to learn was all I carried with me into this field.

After a few years, everyone looks at what I do with awe. They see someone who can type fast and anticipates where windows will pop up. Who can think quickly on the fly and usually solves problems before the user is done describing them.

I would love to say that its because of my hard work and determination... but reality is often a dirty representation of our imagination. I can do what I do simpley because users often repeat the problems of other users... and those I see on a very repetative basis.

True, I learn new things; shove new gadgets and stuff onto our network. Seriously though. Thats only 5% of my total time sitting infront of computers. The rest is doing basic troubleshooting. Things like resetting computers, clicking the OK button, and replugging things into the back.

Its not rocket science... but I guess people just don't have the leggo blocks to make the proper understandings in their head of what really is going on.

*smile*

This is me, welcome to my show.