Feelings

A strange thought has occoured to me.

Alot of people don't understand my feelings. Like I have none. And really; I don't. Not feelings that 90% of people can really understand.

I don't respond to pain like most people. I don't react like most people. I've always thought its because I'm ... different.

I've had a new thought. An overly sensitive person has been sent out to be my trainee. And he just really gets in my space. I can't stand it.

Like a damn cat; always... there.

So I'm ... pushing back. More energetically than emotionally / physically. Just creating a bubble that he doesn't get to permiate.

And I've like... hurt his feelings. I can feel it. The way that he walks; the way that he talks. He's like a little boy who'se been punished for something he doesn't understand.

And he doesn't understand.

He came to me earlier today; started cutting himself down. Trying desperately to figure out where in our last conversation he went wrong, essentially trying to find the broken piece of rope to fix it.

So that made me start thinking. About how I deal with others; and allow them to deal with me.

And maybe I give them no feelings; nothing to hurt; not to save myself, but to save them. From exactly this.

Budgie!

Miss budgie said;

"***She had mentioned that she's not really looking for anything or anyone at the time (a lie... of course. ment to say "I'm not looking for you")****

hmm...I don't think that applies to everyone. it can be a convienient excuse, but take me for example...I'm genuinly NOT looking. I mean, if something came along, maybe. But Im too busy to take the time to actually look and put effort into making anything work.... dunno
my two cents worth anyway"

Ya know... I understand what your saying... but I have things backing up my point.

My evidence?

1) If you watch "Hitch" (with Will Smith); he talks about women and what they say. The fact that they say "I'm not ready" "I'm not looking" or "I'm too busy enjoying being single"... he makes a good case in saying that everyone is looking. They just don't want to admit it to themselves. (or something)

and my favorite...
2) Her online dating profile is titled "love is the answer to most of the questions in my heart <3"

And it all comes across in everything. Unless she's wicked shy and playing hard to get (Which is possible).

Impatience

One thing that this job allows me, is lots of time to reflect.

Its strange what happens. Not being in a position to make new memories means taking the ones you allready have and going through them with a fine tooth comb.

And some times, over and over again; you start to obsess about things. Others; you can find new truths.

Whats today's truth?

Impatience.

Specifically, when dealing with people.

My junior high gym teacher used to tell us... "wait for the ball" when playing volley ball. That there's the magic moment when a volley'd ball will pause in the air, not coming up or down. And thats when you hit it.

The same is true when dealing with people.

I found myself out with a girl the other day. She had mentioned that she's not really looking for anything or anyone at the time (a lie... of course. ment to say "I'm not looking for you"). I had commented "oh. :( I was going to kiss you when dropping off at your place"... which interestingly enough; met with positive feed-back.

Well... definately not negative feedback anyways. Like an un-made mind.

unfortunately; I went for the kiss early. At the motorcycle instead of the house; (well... and then I got stopped by a cop... oops) and didn't go well.

Through carefull review; all my hard work, all that potential was wasted. Not by shoddy date plans, but by prematurely doing something. By taking the moment when I felt shakey and acting, instead of making the other person feel like that and having them surrender to right now.

The pillow

I was at walmart (trusty ol' walmart!) the other day, and came to realise that i need two pillows out here on location.

Unfortunately out of my 4 or 5 pillows from home; I only grabbed the 1.

So looking through the pillow section; saw some 2 or 3 dollar pillows... but thought that my head was worth a little more quality.

Did some hunting and found a 34 dollar pillow.

You might ask me the same thing my trainee asked... "who spends 34 dollars on a pillow?"

Well I do!

And after sleeping a night on that pillow, I don't know if I can ever go back to the 5 dollar variety.

Its worth it so much, I may just pickup another one.

Days go by

So yeah.

Spent a wonderfull 26 days out on the last rig. Got released on wednesday. So I was home wednesday night, thursday, friday and I left town to go back sunday.

YEAH!!!

But hey; its a damn good thing I don't have a girlfriend.

Managed to see 1 or 2 friends. Only; sorry to those I didn't even let know I was in town.

If its any consolation; I didn't even have time to stop by the doctors; pick up a peice of paper and give a little blood... max 15 mins; didn't happen.

What did I do?

I bought a house!

TADAA!

Budgie says...

So yeah;

Budgie said...

"~After all... if we're a product of our past; then by looking in our eyes; hearing our words... shouldn't that tell our story? ~No. I disagree. What we are feeling is reflected in our eyes but it doesn't say what events or circumstances it was that put the grief, pain or even joy into our eyes.Just my two cents worth."

That is a good point... but events from the past don't really matter. just the end product; ie. us.

True, understanding what has created us as we are now will help to predict how we act in the future... but none of that matters.

Just us in the present moment. Its like looking at a carpet. Seeing it and enjoying its beauty. You don't need to understand how every thread was placed; just to see it now.

I dunno... maybe thats not too clear.

Lost in Translation

Its strange;

The more I draw inside myself; into my center; learning to speak with me...

The less I'm able to speak with other people.

I know this is going to sound very... callow... and whats worse... I'm starting to not care.

Maybe I'm just tired and grumpy; but I don't want to know about people's lives, I don't want to hear all about the drama that lead up to this moment.

I just want to share this moment with them.

After all... if we're a product of our past; then by looking in our eyes; hearing our words... shouldn't that tell our story?