Relationships - the first phone call

The first phone call

So, no matter where you meet a girl (being online, at a grocery store, bar...) the next time you speak with that person will be over the telephone.

Unfortunately, this is where your first series of traps will be found.

Things she watches for, that we don't know about and rarely avoid.

Ideally, the first conversation should be about now. Not the past, not the future. You don't want too much thought being put into her and you... just make a brisk contact into her life and getout with all parties feeling good.

This has to be brisk, because the phone really doesn't cut it. You will both form images of the other person, things to live up to, or to get out of the way... that will be your enemy after the first contact... so don't give many chances for bad things to be created.

You never want to brag or proove anything, but show your best side. This is your chance. At the bar when you've picked her up for a one night stand (or at church when she was glowing with a holy light) you were in that moment, with your friends or in the scene. You need to show her that you can be here, "in the now" with Her.

Here are some pointers.

Ideals:

1) Start by asking if she has a minute to chat... and if not, arrange another time.
2) Keep the phone conversation under a half hour.
3) Don't say that your calling because your bored.
4) Don't swear.
5) Don't be the one to introduce sex.
6) If sex is introduced, don't introduce potentially scandalous practices.
7) Don't ask her the usual 20 questions
8) When concluding the conversation, do it because something has come up, and always on a positive note.
9) Don't discuss past relationships.
10) Don't use other person references.
11) Compliment her once and only once.
12) Thank her for talking with you.
13) Possibly arrange another conversation.
14) Make next contact 2-3 days from first contact.
15) Be happy.
16) No pressure!

Ok... now that I've listed our headings, lets go into detail and why.

1) Start by asking if she has a minute to chat... and if not, arrange another time.

Very simple. Before you came along, she had a life. (and it didn't include budgeting time for guys calling when ever they felt like it) Showing respect for that life is important. It shows that your a caring, understanding person who is willing to enter into an adult relationship. Not always "me me me" or "you you you" but "us".

Seccond of all, this gives her an oppourtunity to brush you off... incase she was drunk and is married... just forgot. If she doesn't brush you off here; then she wants you; she just doesn't know how much.

2) Keep the phone conversation under a half hour.

The worst trap to fall into is conversation extensions. Especially when talking with a person before bed time, if you both fall asleep as soon as you've hung up; congradulations. You fail. If you have a call and let it get carried away, your clearly giving the signal that not only is she important, but your desperate for someone like her. This will start to generate the feeling that she is better than you, and lets face it. We're all looking for someone better than ourselves... so presenting yourself as a looser is the fast track to being alone.

3) Don't say that your calling because your bored.

When you call, especially that first time; you want to make it all about her. This is your 'first' or 'first real' impression. If your in the urinal / elevator / driving home from another town, it says "I have time for you when my life isn't in the way". I'm not saying wait until superbowl sunday and turn off the game to make this time valuable. I am saying find an evening when you could be doing something else, make plans for later but create a half hour for this conversation first.

4) Don't swear.

It doesn't matter what your looking for. She is looking for someone who can eventually be introduced to the family, so you need to show her that your language habits are firmly under control. If she has a really fowl mouth, great! follow suit and make her coumfortable. Just make sure that your language is one step less harsh than hers... "your better than her" and you want her to see it. That makes her want you.

5) Don't be the one to introduce sex.

If your talking, she says something like "I'm having a girls night out" and you start giggling manically, making references to pillows and thongs... this is your last conversation with her. Every man thinks about a girl naked or sleeping with her. Its part of us. Every man in the past she's shot down has thought about it. You need to be different. The most rare jewels are unique.

6) If sex is introduced, don't introduce potentially scandalous practices.

The conversation is going well, you hit it off perfectly. You've proven that you anen't an idiot, but made her feel good about herself. She says something about enjoying blowjobs. This is not the time to say "blow jobs are great, but can I blow all over your face when I'm done?" or "wicked... I'll let you know when I'm horney by holding you down and shitting on your chest."

Women are more horney than men are, hands down. We think about sex all the time, but they have larger peaks (and valleys) than we can imagine. You need to make her feel coumfortable and she will want whatever you have to offer. You don't need to tell her what you want and hope she can give it.

Finally on this, people are different... and want different things. The first phone conversation isn't to contrast yourself from her... but to show how compatible you are. Even if she asks.

7) Don't ask her the usual 20 questions

People often get into a habit of asking the usual questions when they have nothing to talk about. Have some topics thought out, written down. Talking about music is fine, but don't say "do you like music?" thats ordinary.

You'll eventually find out everything about her (even if you don't want to know) but make this conversation about you offering some information that relates to something you have in common and providing oppourtunity for her to talk next.

If you come to a point where you've been talking for 15 minutes, ask her a question and she doesn't want to talk, GET OUT! Pretend that it didn't happen, talk for another two or so minutes and excuse yourself from the phone. (supper time... etc.) Talk once or twice more, sure. Could have been a bad day; but if she contiunes a black out of information, ask her whats up, arrange to meet or terminate the operation. If she doesn't want to talk, three things may be happening. 1) bad day 2) not a phone talker or 3) SHE ISN'T INTO YOU.

Most commonly 3.

8) When concluding the conversation, do it because something has come up, and always on a positive note.

If you say "I'm tired of talking with you" or "some guy online told me to keep the conversation short" your probably not having another chance. You want something to come up, not because there is a call on the other line, or some tv show is on now that you just can't miss. You want it to be supper time, the roomate has come home and looks troubled... or something. (time to go to work / gym / parents etc.)

Your time is important, you need to show that. You made an interruption in your day for her, now you need to keep her wondering about you so she wants to talk to (or see) you again.

9) Don't discuss past relationships.

Past relationships come up when asked (and keep it damn short!) or on the fourth date and after. Before then, that is taboo. You do not want her to think about you sleeping with other people. You do not want her to think your a player or looser. You are. This conversation is about now, not then.

And seriously, every past relationship has ended (otherwise you wouldn't be here, trying to strike it up with a new girl.) You do not want her to think about relationships ending... because that translates into "this is a fling" and your current relationship ending.

10) Don't use other person references.

If your going to talk about how good you are, or your thougts on an issue, use first person references only. Say "I've always thought" or "I am" not "My roomate thinks I am" or "My mom always said I acted..." You need to be confident and secure, not based on others thoughts.

She can make her own oppionions about you, you don't need to show her a template on what to think to help her out. And if you are talking about something thats happened, trying to relate it to something she's said... don't bring in other friends, other people. If its a really good reference, she'll want to go out with them, not you.

11) Compliment her once and only once.

You want her to feel good about herself when the conversation is done. If you cut her down, or keep it negative, she won't. I sure as hell don't repeat bad experiances, unless she is broken, she won't want to either. (unless she left something at your house and has to get it.)

If you compliment her more than once on the other hand, she will feel better than you (potentially.) You want to show that you appreaciate something about her, that you can see how wonderfull she is and aren't afraid to express it. You don't want to show her how much better than you she is, or make her feel too good either.

Seccondly, don't compliment her on her voice or something else she has no control over. You want it a compliment on something she has chosen, learned, some practice she does... something like that. This instills the proper feeling in her and relates it with you.

12) Thank her for talking with you.

If this conversation has gone right, she will feel good about herself, sure. But she will still be unsure as to how you feel. Somehow you need her to feel that as her needs have been met, yours have as well... do this by (just before finishing the call) saying thanks. Thanks for taking the time, thanks for postponing dinner... anything. Not to sound like a business conclusion, but something personal. (buisness... this is for pleasure... not just to fullfill a desire that nature has imposed upon you.) Nothing that refers to you negatively (thanks for dealing with my stupidity) and nothing that cuts her down... inadvertantly or not (thanks for dumbing yourself down so I didn't get lost.) but something quick, light and personal that lets her know not only that she's appreciated but that you feel the same way she does... good.

13) Possibly arrange another conversation.

Everything has gone well... she has fallen in love. When do you call next? Ask. Where do you want to go? Don't feel good about coffee... want to strengthen the bonds? Before your done talking, arrange another conversation.

"Hey, I really enjoyed talking with you. When would you have time to talk some more?"

This avoids leaving messages on the machine. (machine of death!) This avoids "Sorry... I'm just with jimmy... can we talk later?" This also gives her a chance to show that she can set aside time for you.

If you arrange a date and time (see point 14) and she doesn't answer... then something is up... call back once more then drop the issue. Don't erase her number just yet... but you've clearly shown interest. She has to return it.

Finally on this, don't have her call you. Nine out of ten girls won't feel coumfortable to initiate contact the seccond time. Suck it up, call her again. (and if you meet, be 5 minutes early.)

14) Make next contact 2-3 days from first contact.

This is the MOST important. Everything else can go to hell if you follow this. The next contact cannot be the next day. Women need to perculate and think about you. If she hasn't had a chance to tell her girlfriend about you, then they can't decide where she wants to take you.

Not only that, but when she is talking about you (thinking about you) she will say things that she didn't know are true. eg. "I love him" "I can't stand him" "I want him to call" "I should call him" etc.

If you call after a day, she will (hopefully) remember you, and if you make plans to talk again, this gives her no excuse to forget about your call. Calenders are great for remembering birthdays and holidays.

Also so you don't forget. 5 minutes late or forgetting completely will cost you. Especially if she wants you and sets time aside.

15) Be happy.

Happy people allready win. If you talk about how shitty your day was, if you bad mouth anything; it shows her that you can bad mouth things, and she will expect you to talk poorly about you behind her back. Don't let that happen.

Also, when you show her that your happy without her, then you don't "need" her and aren't desperate. Your life is complete and you can share that feeling with her.

Lets face it, happiness is contageous.

Finally;

16) No pressure!

If you pressure her into meeting, into being with you or into anything in the initial phases; sure you will get what you want or allow her to experiance something... but it'll probably never happen again.

It doesn't matter if you talk again; your life does not hinge on seeing her tonight. Pressure is something people experiance at work, and usually don't like.

This is light. This is that type of whip cream people don't feel bad after eating.

*smile*

Shoot me some feedback on how close you think I am, or if you've tried these techniques out and they work or not.

Capt'n